I woke up this morning to a rather odd text from a close friend which read:

“Hey did you hear about the weekend at bernie’s trio in your neck of the woods?”

No, as a matter of fact I hadn’t!

I’ll fill all of you in on an interesting tidbit… I’m generally not a consumer of the news. From my experiences, including experience being in the news – the facts are often erroneously reported. The issue is that you have news reporters who put two & two together, which to them somehow equals five. Sounds like a certain family member of mine, doesn’t it? Not only that, but the gullible people are lead to actually believe that the answer is five as well. Then you have news stations like Fox News which appear to slant the news to the Republican side. They can say whatever they want, but the fact is that I’m not the only one who has noticed that the station is not neutral… just look at the “Fox News Channel Controversies” topic on Wikipedia! If you want to have a slant then fine, but at least be honest about it! Until then, they should expect people to continue to refer to them as “Faux News“. Regardless of what a spade wants to be called the player still has to play it as a spade.  For that matter I’ve given facts directly to columnists about myself, & later read something that was wrong! The point is, not only can we not believe everything we hear from friends, we also can’t believe everything in the news nor can you believe something just because it’s printed in a book. I’m sure most authors do the best they can to get their facts straight, but I would be lying if I said I never saws something printed that I knew for a fact wasn’t true. I’ll put it this way, I think most news reporters wouldn’t be good to take the courtroom oath of  “the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth”.

At any rate, as the story goes a few local men from Denver are accused of taking a corpse out around the city for a night on the town, at the expense of the dead man. You can read the news report online via a story from the Associated Press. While it may not seem appropriate or moral, I do have to say something about this… particularly since they ended the night at Shotgun Willie’s which is managed by an industry associate & friend of mine. First, tons of things are illegal. At this point I’d not be surprised if someone came up with a “clean air tax” & anyone who wants to breath would have to pay it! Doesn’t it disgust you though that the government has so much say over what happens to our bodies, & yet “we the people” don’t? What happened to freedom?

I’ve always said that when I die I want a funeral pyre akin to the viking burials… that or just push me out into the water on a boat. Honestly I’d probably prefer both but that would be really difficult to actually achieve. Just put my body in a boat, set it aflame & push me out to sea! In most places neither of these are options easily accomplished though. You can’t just randomly push a full body out to sea or even drop it in the sea… no, heaven forbid that! Burials at sea of anyone but a sailor from a sunken ship require paperwork be submitted to the government. Nor it is legal to just burn the body on land without notice to the government, because bodies release so many PBT (Persistent, Bioaccumulative and Toxic) pollutants that the EPA seems to think its necessary to track everything being burned. So basically the minute someone dies expect that if you are in charge you’ll have to file paperwork, & the more unique circumstances they want their body disposed of – the more paperwork you will be filling out! I’m becoming more flexible about this though. I’d also be happy with a sky burial or a green burial. Just don’t pump me full of a bunch of fake chemicals to preserve me! I’d rather my body just be returned to nature where it can be useful & not take up space.

With that said, I’d also like to state that when I pass away (as long as its not of anything infectious) my friends have my full permission to take my body out for one last 24 hour “hoorah” – on me! That’ right, use my credit cards too… it’s not like the money is going to do me any good once I’m dead, & if you max out or over-charge the cards I won’t have to deal with the debt collectors anyhow! Just leave me enough for the open air burial pyre or whatever. Sure I’ll be dead… but I at least want my friends to have one last fabulous memory of our times together! Just don’t leave me in the car while all of you enjoy the night. Athena, I’m putting you in charge of getting us all a champagne room & funeral strippers à la Taiwan! Maybe even a ladyboy too? Actually, maybe we ought to put James in charge of that… he’ll know which one is best by then! Tempest, I’m leaving you in charge of collecting any money from customers with weird fetishes wanting to rub my dead feet… because I have no doubt it will happen! Just don’t let them eat my hair like that guy from Mexico wanted to do, & if they want to lick my hair check their breath first because I don’t want to go up in flames smelling like bad breath. Savannah, do me a favour & actually make arrangements for the burial… somehow once I’m gone I think you’d know what I’d want & be the responsible one to make sure I don’t get left at the strip club! LOL Avalon, if the girls over-run the credit card I’m leaving you in charge of telling the collector’s that they can feel free to try collecting money from my ashes… just don’t say what happened to the ashes. I’m sure you’ll love telling them to basically go **** themselves! Money just collects dust after you’re dead… so my friends may as well have fun with it. If someone could also keep Nikki awake for the whole event & out of trouble (Jaycee this has your name written all over it)… that would be good! Tell her she can scatter me along the beach, or you all can split up the ashes & turn me into diamonds… I just don’t want anyone getting a full string of diamonds (aka no diamond choker necklaces, tennis bracelets, etc.) & hawking me off at a pawnshop later. One diamond each ladies… we aren’t gold diggers here! Chanel, I’d leave you in charge of passing these out. If I’m lucky when I die my ashes would make enough diamonds for each of my friends to have one diamond, with no excess of diamonds left over.

To end with, I’m not sure what I think of the Denver version of “Weekend At Bernies”… other than they could have done it better. I hope my friends can “live it up” when I’m gone though. Be sure it’s good enough to make a movie out of! 24 hour dead stripper road trip?

P.S. Athena, if you feel like treating yourself to that stripper from Florida that we met in New Orleans that “has morals”, go for it! Just make sure you make her work for every individual dollar of that $400! LOL